Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Its function is not to absolve another of wrongdoing or to condone their hurtful behavior—it’s a gift that brings healing to the one who has been injured. When Jesus said, “Love your enemies,” it wasn’t meant as an admonition to roll over and to invite abuse. Rather it was a prescription for releasing oneself from the cruelty of keeping a painful memory alive. Forgiveness brings us welcomed relief through releasing our judgment of another.
It can be easy to justify hanging onto a resentment because we feel our forgiveness isn’t warranted. I have had numerous clients who have resisted the very notion of forgiveness. Believing that forgiveness meant letting the “perpetrator” off the hook and condoning their behavior, they clung to their sense of justifiable outrage.
Yet here is the cruel irony: as long as we justify our anger and keep the memory alive by reliving it and retelling it to ourselves and others, we become the perpetrator of our continued pain. In most instances, the actual perpetration was short-lived. When we keep the memory alive and vow never to forget or to forgive, we consistently breathe life into the original drama.
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If you truly want justice in your life for the pain you have experienced,
then release it—for it is unjust that you to continue to suffer.
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If there is pain in your life because of another, you must release it if healing is to take place. Grieve your pain and then release it as quickly as possible. Refuse to wear your victimization as a badge of retribution and see it as the albatross around your neck that it is. Turn away the obsessive thoughts that so often take root when we are hurt. The person who hurt you may not deserve your good thoughts—but you do. Hanging on to your judgment can cost you months or years of wasted time. There is no retribution by holding onto anger, for you are the only one who continues to hurt.